2 posts tagged “time”
I think one should not have to work up the nerve to go to church. I'm going to ask to be taken off the nursery schedule after my shift today. I have only gone to the current church that we attend on the days that I am scheduled ever since the service before Easter. They should a montage of clips from the Pass1on of the Chr1st and it made me sick to my stomach. I didn't see that movie when it came out for a reason. I've almost always had a rough relationship with Christianity, but between my theology studies this past year and the stance that this church takes, I can't conceive of going there any longer. I know that Frog will be upset, so I'll just add it to the laundry list of what I do (or don't do) that he dislikes, but I can't keep going someplace where I am uncomfortable. I have no real problem with Frog and the kids attending, but I would probably be happier if the kids didn't get indoctrinated at this young age. Compromise is the seat of marriage though so I'll suck it up.
Speaking of marriage, I believe that sometimes there are off years in a marriage. I do not believe that marriage can be all butterflies and rose petals every single minute. Maybe this is just because I'm not feeling that way now, but I think a little slack must be given to imperfect beings who have made a choice to stay together. I just don't have anything left to give right now. I am emotionally and physically exhausted from all of the events of the past 3 years.
I have a summer break, with the kids, from school and I plan on puttering around the house, trying to get Bean ready for kindergarten, and giving Bug more personalized attention. I also plan on getting comfortable riding my new Virago and possibly taking a ride later in the summer with some new biker friends. I was supposed to bring my family to the 50th wedding anniversary of my paternal grandparents at the end of June. I decided that it wasn't going to do anything except stress me out, and with the help of a family member who I adore, I realized that if I had knots in my stomach NOW about it then it probably wasn't going to get better by the time the trip rolled around. Instead, Frog is going to a race in MD with some of his family next weekend, and I will travel out to Denver sometime in June or July to spend a few days with my family out there. The mere idea of that trip makes me smile and want to start giggling! I'm too tired to give what I don't have anymore.
In other news, I did graduate with my Associates degree this past month and I did it with a 4.0! So add that to turning thirty this year and it's been a sort of big year. If I could just lose the rest of my weight I would be pretty ecstatic. As it is, I am very proud of myself and looking forward to the time away from school this summer. I got accepted at the school I applied to so come this fall I will be a tiger!
I haven't posted because all I feel is a general exhaustion that comes in waves.
I fucking hate time changes!! Between Bean's 104.5 degree fever last night, Bug's new canines, and the time change, we all got somewhere in the neighborhood of 3 hours of sleep last night!! I was useless until I could crawl back into bed for a few hours. The kids varied at a level somewhere between hellspawn and a whiny kid in ToysRHell all day. We are fabulous parents though, check it . . . we fed them dinner early, bathed them, and put them down "early", although I can't fucking tell what goddamn time it is right now so I'm not a good judge of this, to try to make up for their sleep deprivation. Bean is still sound asleep. Bug woke up about 30 minutes ago and decided that this must have been her nap. Oy.
School is varying between making me batshit crazy and tolerable. I'm learning a lot and I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I know I'm blessed and all that to even be going to school, but really? A book assignment for every class? Every day? Not necessary, really and truly.
In the "I'm a crap friend" department: I called up a friend and basically begged to go to her house because I had such a bad day. Then I get home and have to deal with a screaming toddler who wouldn't go to sleep, a 4 year old who decided that he wouldn't sleep in his own bed, and Frog then told me that he was going to a meeting (which of course trumps everything else). So what did I do? Did I remember to call me friend during the chaos to explain that I would not be coming over? Nope. I laid down with my kids and fell asleep. At 7:30 p.m. On a Friday. I live a life of excitement people. Oh yes I do.
In other news: Frog informed me over the weekend that he thinks that I'm an alcoholic. I would say that if you look at when and how I drink you would not find an alcoholic but someone who is dealing with not being able to ever have a drink in her own house, someone who is still stuffing all the grief from her mother's death deep down (which seems to manifest itself in me getting really drunk about once every two months), and who isn't taking proper care of herself so she's letting loose at any point that she's able. I guess I could be a drunk though, it runs in my family just as strong as in Frog's. What about not taking other people's inventory though? Huh? Anyway, I still don't see anything wrong with getting a slight buzz on, or even getting drunk occasionally. Just because I have kids doesn't mean that I have to stop having any fun. Oh well, maybe I'm still taking too much of my self-worth from what he says still.
Working on training our dog Molly. It's going. She's a bright dog. She's also very sweet which is all that's saved her to date. Jed is still his lovable old self. Anyone want one mostly outside foster cat ( if you have a garage or shed that she can get her food and water in then she can stay outside forever!) that was supposed to be adopted out of here back in September?? She's not allowed in my house anymore because she's making my mom's old cat lose her hair. The foster cat is sooooo sweet, but she hates cats. She gets along great with dogs, go figure.
