14 posts tagged “school”

I think one should not have to work up the nerve to go to church.  I'm going to ask to be taken off the nursery schedule after my shift today.  I have only gone to the current church that we attend on the days that I am scheduled ever since the service before Easter.  They should a montage of clips from the Pass1on of the Chr1st and it made me sick to my stomach.  I didn't see that movie when it came out for a reason.  I've almost always had a rough relationship with Christianity, but between my theology studies this past year and the stance that this church takes, I can't conceive of going there any longer.  I know that Frog will be upset, so I'll just add it to the laundry list of what I do (or don't do) that he dislikes, but I can't keep going someplace where I am uncomfortable.  I have no real problem with Frog and the kids attending, but I would probably be happier if the kids didn't get indoctrinated at this young age.  Compromise is the seat of marriage though so I'll suck it up.

Speaking of marriage, I believe that sometimes there are off years in a marriage.  I do not believe that marriage can be all butterflies and rose petals every single minute.  Maybe this is just because I'm not feeling that way now, but I think a little slack must be given to imperfect beings who have made a choice to stay together.  I just don't have anything left to give right now.  I am emotionally and physically exhausted from all of the events of the past 3 years. 

I have a summer break, with the kids, from school and I plan on puttering around the house, trying to get Bean ready for kindergarten, and giving Bug more personalized attention.  I also plan on getting comfortable riding my new Virago and possibly taking a ride later in the summer with some new biker friends.  I was supposed to bring my family to the 50th wedding anniversary of my paternal grandparents at the end of June.  I decided that it wasn't going to do anything except stress me out, and with the help of a family member who I adore, I realized that if I had knots in my stomach NOW about it then it probably wasn't going to get better by the time the trip rolled around.  Instead, Frog is going to a race in MD with some of his family next weekend, and I will travel out to Denver sometime in June or July to spend a few days with my family out there.  The mere idea of that trip makes me smile and want to start giggling!  I'm too tired to give what I don't have anymore.

In other news, I did graduate with my Associates degree this past month and I did it with a 4.0!  So add that to turning thirty this year and it's been a sort of big year.   If I could just lose the rest of my weight I would be pretty ecstatic.  As it is, I am very proud of myself and looking forward to the time away from school this summer.  I got accepted at the school I applied to so come this fall I will be a tiger! 

What I have done today to prepare for leaving tomorrow for the beach:

1.  Gone to work on no sleep.  Only made it to a late January deposit.  *Sigh*  I love my job, but lately I feel very incompetent.  I'm going to blame the weird weather, oh, and the flu.  Definitely blaming the flu.
2.  Cleaned my kitchen, dining room, the kids room (Including chasing out the dust mammoths under the beds, and rearranging the bookshelf so that the short ones would not get pummeled by books when they attempted to retrieve whatever favorite book was at the bottom of the horizontal pile.  *Sigh*) and our bedroom.
3.  Folded and hung all laundry that had been residing in baskets in our room.
4.  Started a load of laundry that is 92% ALL MY CLOTHES!!  I have no idea when the last time this ratio was achieved, but I know it's been a while because I don't own very many clothes.  (As my poor friends can attest because they see my sorry ass in the same shirts and jeans ALL THE DAMN TIME.  They put up with me though because I am cheap and until I lose the rest of my weight I'm not buying a bunch of damn clothes.  [For those of you keeping score at home I have lost more than 50 pounds since June of 07.  I have thirty odd pounds left to lose.  These will undoubtedly be the hardest to lose.]  My friends really love me.  This most likely means that they are all crazy too.)
5.  Realized that I am apparently in a caps mood.
6.  Found my luggage for the trip tomorrow.
7.  Tried on shorts for the first time in years and realize that out of 4 pairs that I own two of them no longer agree with the idea of staying up on my hips and are instead following gravity's sweet song to the ground.  While I am happy about this type of clothing problem, it was potentially problematic until . . .
8.  I checked the weather at the beach that I will be staying at:  Sunny until I arrive, then cold accompanied by thunderstorms until the day I leave, of course, when it will be warm and sunny again.  Happy 30th birthday to me!  Sort of fitting for this year I suppose; driving home out of gorgeous weather on the Gulf of Mexico to come home to poop.

What I have not done to prepare for leaving tomorrow for the beach:

1.  Pack.
2.  Cleaned my office.
3.  Any of the massive amounts of homework that were assigned to me over spring break; including my research paper on the creation of the Nation of Islam along with its rise (and its possible fall?  I have no idea yet.  The paper is due Monday and I haven't even begun.  Yay for procrastination!!) in American politics.
4.  Gone grocery shopping.  Poor Frog will have to brave the grocery with both kids by himself.  Think happy thoughts for him please.

1.  Get haircut to prevent looking like sonic the hedgehog any longer.  (DONE!)
2.  Go to work and realize just how far behind I am since missing over a week because both of my kids and myself had the flu.  (DONE!)
3.  Reschedule counseling because I need to catch up some at work.  (DONE!)
4.  Start preparing for trip to the beach.  (Still in progress.)
5.  Apply to colleges that I want to attend and hope that they will accept me.  (Yeah, still working on that.)
6.  Have a house that smells like fecal matter because my son stuffed a formula one matchbox car down the upstairs toilet, which resulted in having to rip out the wall and the plumbing in the downstairs laundry room to dislodge said car.  (DONE!)
7.  Have brand new porcelain tile in downstairs bathroom covered in black water, which will mean bleaching the hell out of it tonight and having the tile installer come back tomorrow to check the damage instead of grouting the tile tonight.  (DONE!)
8.  Laugh to keep from crying.  (DONE!) 
9.  Attempt to keep Bug from sticking her hand down my shirt as some sort of delayed reaction to being weaned under emergency circumstances a month ago.  (Still working on that!)
10.  Realize that there are positive aspects to all of this even though I have to look for them.  (DONE!)

Monday's list:

Revised list from Sunday:

1.  Realize that sorting through my dead mother's belongings may be harder than I thought.  Be proud of progress made so far.  Stop for a little while.
2.  Move the furniture?  Yeah, it'll be a while until that happens.
3.  Gloat about 94% grade on macroeconomics midterm.
4.  ALL the laundry?  Still working on it.
5.  Take Bean to the allergist to be poked and prodded.

I haven't posted because all I feel is a general exhaustion that comes in waves. 

I fucking hate time changes!!  Between Bean's 104.5 degree fever last night, Bug's new canines, and the time change, we all got somewhere in the neighborhood of 3 hours of sleep last night!!  I was useless until I could crawl back into bed for a few hours.  The kids varied at a level somewhere between hellspawn and a whiny kid in ToysRHell all day.  We are fabulous parents though, check it . . . we fed them dinner early, bathed them, and put them down "early", although I can't fucking tell what goddamn time it is right now so I'm not a good judge of this, to try to make up for their sleep deprivation.  Bean is still sound asleep.  Bug woke up about 30 minutes ago and decided that this must have been her nap.  Oy.

School is varying between making me batshit crazy and tolerable.  I'm learning a lot and I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I know I'm blessed and all that to even be going to school, but really?  A book assignment for every class?  Every day?  Not necessary, really and truly.

In the "I'm a crap friend" department: I called up a friend and basically begged to go to her house because I had such a bad day.  Then I get home and have to deal with a screaming toddler who wouldn't go to sleep, a 4 year old who decided that he wouldn't sleep in his own bed, and Frog then told me that he was going to a meeting (which of course trumps everything else).  So what did I do?  Did I remember to call me friend during the chaos to explain that I would not be coming over?  Nope.  I laid down with my kids and fell asleep.  At 7:30 p.m.  On a Friday.  I live a life of excitement people.  Oh yes I do.

In other news: Frog informed me over the weekend that he thinks that I'm an alcoholic.  I would say that if you look at when and how I drink you would not find an alcoholic but someone who is dealing with not being able to ever have a drink in her own house, someone who is still stuffing all the grief from her mother's death deep down (which seems to manifest itself in me getting really drunk about once every two months), and who isn't taking proper care of herself so she's letting loose at any point that she's able.  I guess I could be a drunk though, it runs in my family just as strong as in Frog's.  What about not taking other people's inventory though?  Huh?  Anyway, I still don't see anything wrong with getting a slight buzz on, or even getting drunk occasionally.  Just because I have kids doesn't mean that I have to stop having any fun.  Oh well, maybe I'm still taking too much of my self-worth from what he says still.

Working on training our dog Molly.  It's going.  She's a bright dog.  She's also very sweet which is all that's saved her to date.  Jed is still his lovable old self.  Anyone want one mostly outside foster cat ( if you have a garage or shed that she can get her food and water in then she can stay outside forever!) that was supposed to be adopted out of here back in September??  She's not allowed in my house anymore because she's making my mom's old cat lose her hair.  The foster cat is sooooo sweet, but she hates cats.  She gets along great with dogs, go figure.

I sliced into my pinky finger tonight while preparing tilapia for dinner.  It hurt like a bitch.  I had to turn around and make myself be happy to give the kids a bath, do story time, and get them to bed.  I'm more surprise than anyone but faking my way for the first ten minutes actually changed my viewpoint into a happier one!

I'm six writings behind in Lit/History as of this minute, and normally that would send me into a panic attack.  But I'm just looking at the fact that I have read the material, and I've been very busy.  It happens.  And if that's the biggest thing that I haven't done right now then I'm looking really good.

I've only been doing a gratitude journal for a few days now, but it's already been working wonders on my attitude.  It sounds really hokey, and I'm the first to admit that, but I'll be damned if it's not working for me!

I stopped by the 4 year university that I want to attend and I got great news about possible scholarships as well today. 

I went and had the back part, and most scraggly section, of my dreadlocks tightened and interlocked today so I feel very  presentable.  I'm still getting weird long pieces of hair that are miraculously growing outside of the locks.  My hairdresser and I figure it must be hair that was broken off and now that I'm not messing with my hair it's finally able to grow out.  My hair grows so much faster now that it's locked that it's hard to believe.  I'm average between 1 and 2 inches every 2 months now, and before I was lucky to put on 3 inches in a year.  Yes, I said a year, and it's the truth too.

I've had a chance to look at the Jenny Mcar7hy thing on Orpah's show.  If I had money, no school, and the access to what she has, then I'm sure my kid would coming along faster too.  It's just apples and oranges to compare any celebrity kid to an average family's kid.  I know single moms with kids with autism and they have it even worse than dual-parent households, because they have to work full-time, and find time to take their kid(s) to all the appointments, at least the ones covered by insurance, and not lose their jobs while doing it.  Let old bubble boobs try any one of our lives for a week and I can bet you that there wouldn't be any miracles happening any time soon. 

Also, here's my soapbox about this topic:  people with autism are no different than people who have blue, or green, or hazel, or brown eyes.  It's how they are born.  Neurodiversity is what I'm talking about here people.  I don't want to cure autism.  I want to make sure that people who have autism can function healthily in our society.  Sure, I would love to find out if there are environmental causes that can be prevented from causing autism, but that's to save the kids and adults the inevitable heartaches.  I feel the same way about GLBT people.  I wouldn't change one of them, because that's how they are made, but my heart breaks at the sorrows that many of them face merely because they were born into a minority. 

I want true equality.  Not equality meted out in tiny morsels by the patriarchy.  I want true acceptance of all people.  I'm not idealistic enough to think this will happen but, like a kid at their birthday, I can sure hope that I get the present I want.

Shingles on a biscuit, I fucked up today.  I was so busy fixing router and network problems at Frog's office that I forgot to take Bean to his dental appointment!  They even called, albeit two days ago, to remind me, so in the name of personal responsibility I have to suck up the blame.  Then Frog and I forgot that the father-daughter luncheon at Bug's school was today.  What is wrong with us?  I am beginning to think that sheer exhaustion is a big factor in my latest series of screw-ups.  In fact, I'm so tired that I don't even want to do my homework.  That's not too unusual in and of itself, but that fact that I'm actually contemplating not doing it is strange for me.  Normally just the thought of not being prepared breaks me out in hives, but I'm just so damn tired that it's hard to give a shit.  Really, really, hard to care about Thomas Paine or my English comp paper.  I also missed geography class, again, today because of the problems at Frog's office.  I'm not too worried, but again I think it's just because my brain cannot process the normal anxiety that I experience.  I need a sick day from life.  Maybe two.  

I know that I lived a charmed life.  I really do know that but sometimes it's very hard for me to see the forest for the trees.  I am able to attend college.  I am able to have a house.  I have two very smart, very funny kids.  I have a sober husband.  I have the best friends a woman could ask for in life.  I have two dogs who love me no matter what, and a cat who thinks that I'm really cool when I feed her. 

I have a neighbor playing the fiddle in a perfect temperature evening while I sit on my porch.  That's pretty fucking cool actually!  Wow, they're pretty good.  We live in a weird spot acoustically so I don't know which specific house it's coming from but I keep clapping after each song in hopes that they will hear me.

Back to what I was doing.  See, I know all those things, but on days like today I can't seem to get out of my rut of negative thinking.  I need to keep reading the top part to myself while I listen to my fiddle playing neighbor.

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate getting multiple chapter reading assignments over the weekend?  I have two small kids, and a husband who is also a full-time student.  Finding enough time is impossible.  Bah.

I am a big whiny baby right now.  I'm still tired, but I'm up writing and editing papers for class tomorrow.  Well, I'm not this minute, but I digress.  It could be worse though, I could be on a plane with a hangover.  Boy, does that suck. 

Bean is hilarious and if I ever learn to listen to him the first time, it would help if he'd speak up, I'd find out about his hijinks before someone lays in them.  Tonight it was an entire bottle of baby powder poured into his sheets.  He was so sweet when Frog got home and went to tuck him in.  Frog said that right as he was laying down on the sheets Bean said, "Wait Daddy . . . there's something on the bed."  Too late for Frog's jeans though!  We are horrible too, instead of lecturing him all we could do was laugh!  There was no ill intent on Bean's part, apparently he was making snow for his cars, and Frog was almost completely covered from the waist down but only on the front of his pants!  So off came those sheets, and on with a new set.  It's a good thing that I was planning on changing them in the morning anyway, and already had a new set laid out.

Bug's allergies are getting the best of her these days, along with the top canine teeth arrivals.  She teethes slower than molasses in January.

I must go lay down before my eyes pop out of my head.  I hope I can do more editing in the morning.  Yeah, right!  Done is better than perfect, as a woman I know always says.