5 posts tagged “family”

I think one should not have to work up the nerve to go to church.  I'm going to ask to be taken off the nursery schedule after my shift today.  I have only gone to the current church that we attend on the days that I am scheduled ever since the service before Easter.  They should a montage of clips from the Pass1on of the Chr1st and it made me sick to my stomach.  I didn't see that movie when it came out for a reason.  I've almost always had a rough relationship with Christianity, but between my theology studies this past year and the stance that this church takes, I can't conceive of going there any longer.  I know that Frog will be upset, so I'll just add it to the laundry list of what I do (or don't do) that he dislikes, but I can't keep going someplace where I am uncomfortable.  I have no real problem with Frog and the kids attending, but I would probably be happier if the kids didn't get indoctrinated at this young age.  Compromise is the seat of marriage though so I'll suck it up.

Speaking of marriage, I believe that sometimes there are off years in a marriage.  I do not believe that marriage can be all butterflies and rose petals every single minute.  Maybe this is just because I'm not feeling that way now, but I think a little slack must be given to imperfect beings who have made a choice to stay together.  I just don't have anything left to give right now.  I am emotionally and physically exhausted from all of the events of the past 3 years. 

I have a summer break, with the kids, from school and I plan on puttering around the house, trying to get Bean ready for kindergarten, and giving Bug more personalized attention.  I also plan on getting comfortable riding my new Virago and possibly taking a ride later in the summer with some new biker friends.  I was supposed to bring my family to the 50th wedding anniversary of my paternal grandparents at the end of June.  I decided that it wasn't going to do anything except stress me out, and with the help of a family member who I adore, I realized that if I had knots in my stomach NOW about it then it probably wasn't going to get better by the time the trip rolled around.  Instead, Frog is going to a race in MD with some of his family next weekend, and I will travel out to Denver sometime in June or July to spend a few days with my family out there.  The mere idea of that trip makes me smile and want to start giggling!  I'm too tired to give what I don't have anymore.

In other news, I did graduate with my Associates degree this past month and I did it with a 4.0!  So add that to turning thirty this year and it's been a sort of big year.   If I could just lose the rest of my weight I would be pretty ecstatic.  As it is, I am very proud of myself and looking forward to the time away from school this summer.  I got accepted at the school I applied to so come this fall I will be a tiger! 

I sliced into my pinky finger tonight while preparing tilapia for dinner.  It hurt like a bitch.  I had to turn around and make myself be happy to give the kids a bath, do story time, and get them to bed.  I'm more surprise than anyone but faking my way for the first ten minutes actually changed my viewpoint into a happier one!

I'm six writings behind in Lit/History as of this minute, and normally that would send me into a panic attack.  But I'm just looking at the fact that I have read the material, and I've been very busy.  It happens.  And if that's the biggest thing that I haven't done right now then I'm looking really good.

I've only been doing a gratitude journal for a few days now, but it's already been working wonders on my attitude.  It sounds really hokey, and I'm the first to admit that, but I'll be damned if it's not working for me!

I stopped by the 4 year university that I want to attend and I got great news about possible scholarships as well today. 

I went and had the back part, and most scraggly section, of my dreadlocks tightened and interlocked today so I feel very  presentable.  I'm still getting weird long pieces of hair that are miraculously growing outside of the locks.  My hairdresser and I figure it must be hair that was broken off and now that I'm not messing with my hair it's finally able to grow out.  My hair grows so much faster now that it's locked that it's hard to believe.  I'm average between 1 and 2 inches every 2 months now, and before I was lucky to put on 3 inches in a year.  Yes, I said a year, and it's the truth too.

I've had a chance to look at the Jenny Mcar7hy thing on Orpah's show.  If I had money, no school, and the access to what she has, then I'm sure my kid would coming along faster too.  It's just apples and oranges to compare any celebrity kid to an average family's kid.  I know single moms with kids with autism and they have it even worse than dual-parent households, because they have to work full-time, and find time to take their kid(s) to all the appointments, at least the ones covered by insurance, and not lose their jobs while doing it.  Let old bubble boobs try any one of our lives for a week and I can bet you that there wouldn't be any miracles happening any time soon. 

Also, here's my soapbox about this topic:  people with autism are no different than people who have blue, or green, or hazel, or brown eyes.  It's how they are born.  Neurodiversity is what I'm talking about here people.  I don't want to cure autism.  I want to make sure that people who have autism can function healthily in our society.  Sure, I would love to find out if there are environmental causes that can be prevented from causing autism, but that's to save the kids and adults the inevitable heartaches.  I feel the same way about GLBT people.  I wouldn't change one of them, because that's how they are made, but my heart breaks at the sorrows that many of them face merely because they were born into a minority. 

I want true equality.  Not equality meted out in tiny morsels by the patriarchy.  I want true acceptance of all people.  I'm not idealistic enough to think this will happen but, like a kid at their birthday, I can sure hope that I get the present I want.

I know that I lived a charmed life.  I really do know that but sometimes it's very hard for me to see the forest for the trees.  I am able to attend college.  I am able to have a house.  I have two very smart, very funny kids.  I have a sober husband.  I have the best friends a woman could ask for in life.  I have two dogs who love me no matter what, and a cat who thinks that I'm really cool when I feed her. 

I have a neighbor playing the fiddle in a perfect temperature evening while I sit on my porch.  That's pretty fucking cool actually!  Wow, they're pretty good.  We live in a weird spot acoustically so I don't know which specific house it's coming from but I keep clapping after each song in hopes that they will hear me.

Back to what I was doing.  See, I know all those things, but on days like today I can't seem to get out of my rut of negative thinking.  I need to keep reading the top part to myself while I listen to my fiddle playing neighbor.

I am a big whiny baby right now.  I'm still tired, but I'm up writing and editing papers for class tomorrow.  Well, I'm not this minute, but I digress.  It could be worse though, I could be on a plane with a hangover.  Boy, does that suck. 

Bean is hilarious and if I ever learn to listen to him the first time, it would help if he'd speak up, I'd find out about his hijinks before someone lays in them.  Tonight it was an entire bottle of baby powder poured into his sheets.  He was so sweet when Frog got home and went to tuck him in.  Frog said that right as he was laying down on the sheets Bean said, "Wait Daddy . . . there's something on the bed."  Too late for Frog's jeans though!  We are horrible too, instead of lecturing him all we could do was laugh!  There was no ill intent on Bean's part, apparently he was making snow for his cars, and Frog was almost completely covered from the waist down but only on the front of his pants!  So off came those sheets, and on with a new set.  It's a good thing that I was planning on changing them in the morning anyway, and already had a new set laid out.

Bug's allergies are getting the best of her these days, along with the top canine teeth arrivals.  She teethes slower than molasses in January.

I must go lay down before my eyes pop out of my head.  I hope I can do more editing in the morning.  Yeah, right!  Done is better than perfect, as a woman I know always says.

I miss my mom.  I miss her a lot.  Despite her faults, she was my mom, and she had great aspects to her personality as well.  I love her.  I thought it was supposed to get easier as time passed, but it's been over 7 months since she died, and it's not easier.  I really want her back.  I know that's futile.  It doesn't stop the wanting though.